In the last two weeks I have posted 3 blog posts. That’s virtually one a week. And coming from someone who stresses out when she “only” posts 5 blog posts in a week (I know, I know) this is a real issue to me.
Now, I bet you’re expecting a sob story. A “life got in the way” story. Or at least an actual, legit reason for my sudden lack of enthusiasm for one of my favourite things in my life. Well, you aren’t going to get one.
Where the flipping heck have I been? I don’t know.
I don’t know where I’ve been. I’ve been at work, I’ve been at home, I’ve been weekly vlogging, I’ve been binge watching Harry Potter, I’ve been away from my keyboard. And none of this was a choice.
First, I went a day without a post. “It’s fine, it won’t kill anybody if I don’t schedule any tweets today. I, quite frankly, just cannot be bothered.” Then one day became three, three became five and I suddenly started to feel extremely guilty. “I’d love to do this whole internet/blog/youtube thing full time one day, I need to stop being so lazy.” “But I guess people are entitled to days off.” “My views are dropping so badly.” “I just can’t do it.”
To be honest, I still feel incredibly guilty about it. I haven’t gone that long without posting since I was doing my dissertation this time last year. Even when life was at it’s busiest/most stressful, I still had my blog to cheer me up/distract me/entertain me. But that hasn’t seemed enough recently. I just haven’t physically been able to pick up my laptop and write a blog post. And the “I don’t know why” part is the most frustrating bit.
Yes, I’ve had down days – who hasn’t. But it’s not even like I’ve spent the last two weeks in a vicious, anxious cycle or anything. I haven’t been too depressed to write, I haven’t been physically ill (until Wednesday when the worst cold in the whole world hit me but whatevs, that’s a separate thing), I feel like I haven’t actually had a reason to neglect my blog and that makes me feel even more guilty.
At least when you have a reason, there’s a reason. (Can I get a medal for stating the obvious, there?)
What I mean is, at least if there’s a reason for something, you can give that reason to people and they can be all “ah yeah, that’s cool bro”. But at the moment, my only reason is “I don’t know, I lost track of time and I just couldn’t be bothered.”
I can tell you one thing, though. It’s been nice. And it’s been a learning curve. Stepping away from something intentionally is one thing, doing it unintentionally is another thing entirely. I’ve learned that even when I only post once a week, I still get around 25,000 page views a month. (Trying to focus on that instead of “ohmygod my views have halved nobody will ever read again”.) I’ve learned that life carries on. I’ve learned that nobody dies (and to be honest, nobody really cares) if I take a bit of time off. I’ve learned that it’s actually really nice to sit and watch an entire TV show in 2 days with my boyfriend where neither of us are on our laptops.
I bet you’re also expecting me to say “so, that’s the end of that – I’m back, expect a post a day from now on and forever” but that’s not what I’m here to say. I’m here to say that I don’t know where I’ve been or why I’ve been gone but I hope you don’t mind too much. Even though I would love to blog full time one day, I’m not stupid and I know it’s not exactly just around the corner and I know that taking a few weeks off whilst I’m nowhere near being full time is a-okay. And it won’t affect any future prospects I have.
So, I don’t know. I’ve been gone, I might be back now or I might still only be here sporadically. I’m trying not to stress about it.
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