I’m writing this post at 10:33pm on a Tuesday night because hey, when the need to write hits, it hits. And it happens so rarely at the moment I have to take advantage when it does strike. (But lol I’m deffo scheduling this post for the morning because #GoodBlogger.)
Arrested Development is on in the background (although, if I’m honest, I’m struggling to get into it) and Joe is sleeping next to me because he finished work for Christmas today and I think he’s having a “holy crap I don’t have to work for 2 weeks” type energy crash.
I feel the need to have a little catch up with you all because it suddenly dawned on me that I haven’t blogged in 15 days and didn’t even realise.
The internet (and more specifically, YouTube) is taking it’s toll on me at the moment and I want to talk about it.
It’s obviously apparent that I’m not taking part in blogmas but, in case you didn’t already know, I am currently on day 20 of vlogmas over on my YouTube channel. To tell the truth, filming and editing every single day is bloody hard – especially when I’ve spent roughly 17/18 days of these 20 feeling poorly. I feel proud of myself for getting so far in the challenge and I am going to continue until Christmas but it’s done the opposite of what I thought it would do.
I thought taking part in vlogmas would re-light the fire I used to hold for creating video content. I thought it would help my dwindling creativity levels and help me re-focus how I spend my time. (Vlogging tends to make me want to get out of the house and do more, even if just for the sake of content.) Instead, I feel drained of creativity, frustrated that I’ve been ill (resulting in what I believe to be sub-par content), and have been left resenting social media/the internet and the hold it has on me.
I’ve been getting so down on myself the last week or so because my video views are dropping and dropping. Having to film and edit every day means my blog, AKA the love of my life, has taken a serious back seat. Every/any negative comment has been taken straight to heart when I’d usually brush them off easily and even though I’m so close to completing what I consider to be a personal challenge, I feel deflated and a lot like I’ve failed.
I’ve always preferred blogging and writing content to youtube and creating videos, but YouTube was also simultaneously a separate creative outlet for me to turn to when writing wasn’t what I needed. But with effectively forcing myself to create so much content all in one go, all I’ve done is zapped myself of any and all of the creativity I had left. My love of filming has been drained from me and I’ve been left feeling like a shell.
I’ve already said in this post that I plan on continuing vlogmas until Christmas, but whether I actually do or not is another matter. I don’t want to quit so close to the end, but I also don’t know if I want to carry on. I guess I’ll just see how the next 5 days pan out.
For now, I’m going to read Big Magic (on several “if you aren’t feeling creative, read this book” recommendations) and brainstorm ways to feel happy with my content again. I miss blogging and I’m starting to resent vlogging and that’s just not how I want to be. I want to feel like me again. Creative, happy, full-of-ideas me.
And if that means “quitting” then so be it, I guess.