“Morning! You okay?”
“Yeah, not bad – what about you?”
*Well actually, Janet, I have a to-do list so long it’s giving me heart palpitations and yet I still keep accepting more things. I get home and the last thing I want to do is MORE work, so I sit and veg out in front of Grey’s Anatomy and then feel guilty because someone expected a completed project from me 2 months ago and it’s still not finished. So then my head is so full of things, I can’t get any other work done and it pretty much all spirals from there. Oh, and I kind of want to lose some weight but I’m so busy and anxious I keep turning to junk food and I’m not allowed to exercise because of a knee condition. And I kind of want to kickstart my dream career but I can’t because I have no money in case it all goes tits up.*
“Yeah, not bad.”
This is kind of how my mornings go at the moment.
Actually, this is how my life goes at the moment. A constant cycle of agreeing to things I can’t fit in because it will serve me well in the long run, having a silent breakdown about how busy I am whilst procrastinating all the things I have to do. I’m waking up most mornings feeling like someone is sitting on my chest because of what I like to call “background anxiety” (AKA the type of anxiety that is never amounting to anything huge, but is just sort of constantly *there*).
Honestly, I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean trying to tread water whilst all my limbs are slowly giving up from exhaustion. I try to keep my head above water, but then some massive wave comes and drags me back under. And the blame is all on me.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know what I want to do eventually, but I’m struggling with how to get there. Whether it be finances, mental health, not knowing the next step or just plain laziness I can’t for the life of me seem to get everything in order. I can see the finish line, but my legs have stopped working because the marathon has been so tiring and I can’t complete the final hurdle.
And it’s really fucking hard.
Everywhere around me people are succeeding. They’re going on to the next step in their lives, they’re achieving their dreams, they’re doing their thing. And I know the internet is one giant pair of rose-tinted glasses, a highlight reel as they say, but it still really amplifies the fact I’m not there yet.
And believe me when I say this is not me saying my life is shit. My life is not shit. My life is far from shit! I just got back from an all expenses trip to Rome because of this little blog of mine. I have a gorgeous flat with my even more gorgeous boyfriend. I have THE best friends a gal could ask for. My life is actually pretty fucking great.
But all that is forgotten when there’s one aspect you so desperately want to change. I don’t know about any of you, but I have the tendency to fixate on “the next thing” and I’m incredibly impatient when I’ve made the decision on what “the next thing” is going to be.
I’m very aware I’m my own worst enemy. I’m lazy, I’m too busy, I’m a bit of a pushover whilst also being incredibly hot-headed and impatient. I agree to do things, then put them off until the last minute when I’m already stressed but they need doing RIGHT NOW. Basically, in short, I have zero self-control when it comes to my workload and the stress I put on myself.
My life is like a constant storm in a teacup. I’m consistently stressed about things as if they’re these huge issues when, in the grand scheme of things, they’re all pretty insignificant and they’re all things that I could change if I simply approached them rationally.
I don’t doubt that I will eventually get to the place I want to be. But, until then, I need to make some changes. I need to stop being lazy, I need to learn how to say no to things when I know I can’t do them (whether I want to do them or not), I need to make myself a god damn life plan.
I guess I’ll keep you updated.